


Out Of Control (Just A Little Bit)

by selkieskin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Experimentation, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, M/M, Opposites Attract, Self-Esteem Issues, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28456509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selkieskin/pseuds/selkieskin
Summary: Xiaojun feels so awkward all the time, and he's been thinking about Winwin, and how much people like him, and how beautiful he is... one day, it's just the two of them left to watch a movie in the WayV dorms, and Winwin falls asleep.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Out Of Control (Just A Little Bit)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a fun challenge to myself about how to get two people I thought would realistically never kiss to kiss. So that’s our awkward king Xiaojun and our notorious heartbreaker Winwin. This was hard, man. Let me know how you think I did!

Xiaojun, no matter how hard he tried, always felt that little bit out of control.

He wasn't really sure why. He'd thought about it a lot - maybe it was the way his whole family were into music and stardom, his dad being absent seemingly at random for large stretches of his childhood, disappearing in a rush of costumes and makeup - the famous cross-dressing folk singer, Xiao Weilin, or the worse things the kids at school said about him. Maybe it was the way Xiaojun always felt he had to prove himself, long hours practicing singing, dancing, guitar, and taking part in everything he could - from musicals to dance crews to televised singing competitions - just to be seen. There was never any thinking space, no headroom - Xiaojun wasn't sure at this point what he'd do with himself otherwise.

Or it could also have been the way he always felt a little insecure, not sure he was as quick on the uptake as the others, not able to control the conversation or relax, always striving to make sure people liked him and that he could get ahead at the same time. He still hadn't worked out how to do either of those things in the first place, much less juggle them. Always on the edge of a conversation, never in the middle of it. Everything and everyone around him moved too fast, he couldn’t make sense of it. He tried to seem cool, but it was like he always misjudged it and missed the mark. He was always worried everyone around him could sense his incompetence at connecting with people, worried that that was why people didn't like him as quickly or easily as they seemed to like other people.

Winwin, though… he was dignified. He seemed to Xiaojun that he moved everywhere with a kind of sure grace. Everyone liked him, without question, much more even than he seemed to like them. 

He wasn't much older than Xiaojun, but he seemed so much more mature and sure of himself - if there was a conversation, he didn't do the mad scramble to participate the way Xiaojun did, he'd just wait there until he had something to say, and when he spoke, everybody would listen - Xiaojun didn't know how he could do that. Sometimes he even passed up opportunities to have conversations at all, just went off to do his own thing instead, and Xiaojun didn't understand that. It was a total mystery to him. It was confusing. It was fascinating.

It didn't help that he was beautiful on top of all of that. A one-in-a-million adorable face. And of course the physical beauty standard of those around them was very high - this was the entertainment industry, after all, and in particular this was SM Entertainment - but everyone agreed that Winwin had won the genetic lottery. His eyes were always bright. He never got a spot. His proportions were beautiful. Even the fact that one of his ears was pointy was a point in his favour.

Xiaojun thought all this and more, sat in front of a boring movie in their living room with him, Lucas and Yangyang, and just watching Winwin out of the corner of his eye instead. This film had been Winwin's choice. Xiaojun knew if it was him that had picked this particular movie, they'd have complained, ripped into him, and turned it off in the first ten minutes. But Winwin sat, perfectly straight-backed as always (the years of Chinese Traditional Dance training still showed throughout his body) and held himself perfectly still, enthralled. So everyone else was pretending to be, too.

However, it had been a long day for them all, and Xiaojun watched as Winwin slowly let himself sink back against the couch cushions. Tried not to be obvious as he watched Winwin out of the corner of his eye, saw his head loll to the side ever so slightly, eyes closed.

After a few minutes, Yangyang craned his neck to check whether Winwin was really asleep, and quietly asked how long was left on the film. Xiaojun, who was closest to the remote, brought up the progress bar.

"Twenty minutes left," he read.

"Is anyone still watching it?" Yangyang said.

"I don't think so," said Lucas sleepily.

"I am," said Xiaojun, on impulse, and then wondered why he'd even said that. Yangyang gave him a look that was ever so slightly judgemental, before shrugging and getting to his feet, followed by Lucas.

"I kinda want to go to bed. Will you tell us how it ends?"

"Oh, uh," said Xiaojun, not wanting to admit that he hadn't been following the plot either, just staring at his bandmate. "Uh, of course, yeah."

"Alright then," Yangyang confirmed cheerily in an almost-whisper, not having noticed anything amiss. "Enjoy the film! Night night."

And, finally, he was alone with his thoughts, and a sleeping Winwin.

Not needing to be subtle any more, he let himself turn so he could watch the lights from the TV dance across his exposed skin - face, neck, and collarbones peeking out from the wide neckline of his shirt - and found himself transfixed. He moved a little closer, needing to see properly.

It was strange how someone could even look composed in their sleep. He slept with a similar serene expression to the way he looked when he was awake. And Xiaojun could see it, he could see why people would want to watch him. To listen to him. To protect him. He was just… so precious. 

Xiaojun’s head mirrored Winwin’s, falling sideways against the couch cushions, as if he'd cocked his head, trying to understand. 

Winwin's eyelashes cast little shadows on his cheeks. His skin was so perfect, his face shape so unparalleled. The way the reflections flickered on his face in the dark only made Xiaojun’s heart beat faster, like he was watching the most beautiful light show.

He moved a little closer, just caught up in the opportunity to look, really look, at Winwin. 

His lips were closed with a serious expression even in rest, but even without makeup they looked so pink and soft…

…

...Just a little further, just a few more centimetres, and he’d kiss this beautiful person, this work of art…

Xiaojun startled backwards, suddenly conscious of what he was about to do, which woke up Winwin immediately, and they stared at each other in shock, both trying desperately to read what had happened from the others’ facial expression. But Xiaojun didn’t know what had just come over him either, and so there was no way that Winwin could know either. 

As far as Winwin knew, he’d just woken up from a peaceful sleep to his bandmate suddenly pulling away from very close to his face and looking shocked, so he asked the question, with his voice still fuzzy from sleep.

“Uh… did you just kiss me?”

“No!” Xiaojun all but yelped, and bolted. Winwin would never believe him, but it was true.

Shit, why did he run? That just looked even more suspicious.

Shit, why did he run into the _kitchen_? It was a dead end, and now he was stuck in an enclosed space, and Winwin was going to come and ask him why he just kissed him, and he didn’t...

“Why did you just kiss me?” Winwin asked from the doorway.

Xiaojun swore in Cantonese under his breath.

“I didn’t,” he insisted.

“Really?” Winwin asked.

“Yes, really!” he whipped back around, protesting his innocence. “I know what it looked like, but I didn’t! I really, really didn’t!”

There was a beat of silence from Winwin.

“...Did you want to?” Winwin asked.

Xiaojun fully short-circuited. What the hell was he going to say to that? His heart was beating out of his chest, palms sweaty, face hot. Winwin had caught him. He hadn’t really been about to kiss Winwin… had he? _Oh my god,_ he thought to himself all at once. _I really was going to do it._

“You did want to, didn’t you?” Winwin continued, and Xiaojun didn’t know what to do with himself. He was cringing at himself so hard it was a fight to stay upright. “It’s OK. I think I can tell what happened. You did, right?”

Xiaojun’s brain, out of ideas, fed him the idea that it would be best to try and be honest.

“Uh, yeah then…” It was the most awkward answer, so unprepared, so full of a fake cool detachment that he really didn’t feel and that he knew would be obvious on his face. Shit. Where was he going to go from there?

He second-guessed himself immediately, slapping a hand over his mouth. Why the hell had he said that? Winwin was going to be looking at him like he was some kind of awkward freak. The kind of guy that tried to kiss people when they were asleep. Xiaojun never even knew himself that he wanted to do that until he’d nearly done it. God, why was he so bad at it?

He stole a look at Winwin, a dark part of him wanting to confirm that his panicking was justified.

But Winwin was just stood there, with a look on his face that was almost… calm.

“Why…?” Xiaojun wondered aloud.

“Why am I not freaking out over this?” Winwin asked, formulating the whole sentence for him.

Xiaojun nodded.

Winwin sighed.

“It’s, uh… not the first time. There’s been a few people that want to kiss me. I’m not interested, and I don’t really want to have to deal with it. So how about we make a deal?”

A deal? What? Xiaojun had literally no idea what he could be getting at, but he was so relieved at the olive branch that he scrambled to agree.

“Yes, yes, anything. I’m sorry.”

“OK,” Winwin said, taking a step closer, Xiaojun trapped where he was by the kitchen counter behind him. “You kiss me once - while I’m awake, here - and then you get over it and never surprise me again.”

Xiaojun’s gaze flicked between Winwin’s lips and his eyes - if he thought he was short-circuiting before, that was nothing compared to now. 

“D-d-did… you just say what I think you said?”

“Yes,” Winwin replied, dead serious. 

“Wait, does that mean… are there other members who you’ve offered this to?”

“Yes,” he confirmed.

“And they k-kissed you?”

“They did.”

“Whaaaaaat…” Xiaojun didn’t know what he was going to do with that information. It was weird. Too, too weird. Where was the social script for that one? What was he supposed to do in this situation?

“Don’t you want to?” Winwin prompted. “Because that’s fine with me too.” He subtly moved, indicating that he might leave.

“No!” Xiaojun said, a little too loudly, and then froze, listening for any noise that might indicate that he’d woken someone. Silence, nothing but the tap dripping. “No,” he repeated, a little quieter. “I do want to. If you’re sure. I think it might… get it out of my system too. Yeah.”

And he looked up at Winwin, waiting there with a deliberately blank look on his face. He looked so beautiful, even under the bright kitchen lights. Xiaojun, feeling hyperaware of his whole body and where all his limbs were, took a clumsy step towards Winwin, until they were close, close enough that Xiaojun thought he could feel the heat radiating from his body, even though they weren’t yet touching.

He looked, while he tried to calm himself down to seize this once-in-a-lifetime chance. He’d kissed a guy once, back when he was in a musical in China. It had only been once, though, and it had ended badly - the guy wasn’t ready to accept himself and he’d avoided Xiaojun afterwards, telling anyone who asked why that he just hated Xiaojun, but not saying more. Since then, nothing. He’d been too busy, and he seemed to more often than not put girls off when he tried to approach them, because they were after a confident guy, could tell that he was a faker when he tried to act like that. Whenever he’d kissed girls, it had usually been best to kiss them before they could talk to him too much - he’d always had much better luck that way.

So, this? This was the first time that someone had ever told Xiaojun that he could kiss them, and wait until he was ready. Xiaojun never stopped, never felt like he could stop, and so every kiss that he’d had had felt snatched, rushed. He still felt out-of-control, out of his depth, but… if he just planted his feet and took some time to breathe and focus, this didn’t have to be like that for once.

He looked at Winwin’s skin, at the contrast between his cheeks and the line of his lips, at how the colours were different. He reached a hand up, shakily, to touch it and feel how smooth it was.

OK. He had to calm down. Had to just make the most of this offer, of this strange unexpected gift. 

“Can I really?” he checked.

Winwin nodded, and it was strange to feel his head move while Xiaojun was still touching his cheek. As if this moment was real. It still felt sort of not real. Some kind of strange dream, maybe.

For once, someone was standing still, and just letting him look.

Xiaojun looked, and looked, feeling that same feeling coming over him again, just admiring this person so much, and how beautiful he was, and how Xiaojun wished to be like that, and how much Xiaojun, even now, didn’t understand him…

Winwin was an inch or two taller, and his head came down to help Xiaojun comfortably kiss him on the mouth, their lips touching.

Xiaojun gasped, even though he’d been expecting it. It was a bizarre feeling, the feeling of kissing someone slowly, and sober, much less someone kissing him so deliberately. He thought he preferred this. He could feel the kiss in his whole body. Winwin was kissing him back, and Xiaojun suddenly pushed forward, wanting to break that sure composed serenity, all of a sudden wanting to feel like this was real, like he was affecting Winwin somehow, that this wasn’t just one-sided, that this-

Winwin pushed him off with one hand, and wiped his mouth with the other.

“There,” Winwin said. “Are you done?”

“Um… yeah.”

“OK, good,” he said. “I’m going to bed now.”

And Winwin turned and left.

“Sicheng!” Xiaojun called just before he disappeared, before this moment ended. Winwin stopped, and turned around to look at him.

“Yes?”

“I’ve… I’ve never…” Xiaojun said, not sure what he wanted to say, but knowing he needed to say it, before Winwin moved on. Before he had a chance to collect his thoughts. He just let himself speak, letting the words settle within him before saying them. “I’ve never had such a nice kiss. Um. Thank you.”

Winwin smiled at him.

“I’m glad,” he said. “Night night.”

“Night,” he replied, head buzzing, happy. Whatever had just happened, it was special to Xiaojun. He touched his own lips, marvelling at the situation.

He was too excited to sleep, in the end, so he went and put on the movie again, from halfway through. If they were going to ask him about it in the morning, he might as well have a plausible excuse for staying up, right?

In the end, he dozed off to sleep on the couch and missed the ending again anyway, so it didn’t even work.


End file.
